Frequently on this blog I like to explore broadening our perspectives. At risk of sounding like I’m ranting on about motherhood or lack thereof (see two posts ago), I’m going to head in that general direction again.
Because, as Christians our words matter. It’s important to love others as we love ourselves because Jesus said the entire law and the prophets hang on two commandments: love God and love your neighbour as yourself.
This means we actually need to think hard about what we say, and granted, we’re often going to make mistakes. (No one needs to tell me how blunt I can be; I’ve known that for years)
However, there are a few comments I hear every now and then that really get on my goat.
From time to time I hear mothers talking about their decision-making process on returning to work after having a child. That is: whether they will, how soon they will, what impact it has and so on.
Usually at some point in the discussion, the following line is pulled out:
“It’s actually easier to go to work.”
OK, so that’s what you say. What does a childless woman hear? Well, I’ll tell you what I hear:
“Childless women have never done a day’s hard work in their life. They actually don’t know what hard work is. The only real hard work a woman can do is be a mother.”
And maybe I don’t know what hard work is like. That is a possible conclusion to this discussion and I’ll put that straight out on the table.
However, I think an unintended division is set up by this comment. The last thing I want is for women to have immature discussions about who is working the hardest. That’s a childish and fruitless discussion (no pun intended).
Yet to set up ideas about what we think is hard work and what isn’t hard work, seems to forget about the mundane reality of repetition that everyone who is being a responsible adult experiences.
Whether you’re turning up everyday for your own children, or someone else’s (as a teacher) or doing something completely different in the workplace, the reality is – you turn up every day.
And sometimes, turning up every day is the hard part.
I know that if I didn’t turn up every day to my job but rather just sauntered in once or twice a week doing some casual work, then many of the difficulties in my current work would suddenly dissipate.
And change they say is as good as a holiday.
Here’s another example of a comment that bugs me:
“Use your mum skills.”
Heard that line before (or variations of it)? I sure have. Does anyone actually know what it means?
When I’ve heard it, it’s usually been refering to fine or gross motor skills.
Now, I’ve read (somewhere) that mothers have heightened emotional perception and are in tune with their children in a bond that is not experienced in any other relationship. Not sure if that’s been researched, but I’ve seen it somewhere.
But fine and gross motor skills?
I’ve studied human life-span development enough times that if there was any theorist out there who proposed that pregnancy and giving birth brought about the fulfillment of motor development, I reckon I would have come across it.
That being said, there’s a fair few male theorists (mostly from the 20th century) whose developmental trajectories have been labelled as sexist. So, perhaps we’re yet to get to the truth of the matter.
I’m OK with being wrong on this.
I’m also all for lifting mothers up and praising them for their hard work. If I was a mother, I’m sure that if it was financially viable, I’d predominantly be at home looking after my children.
However, perhaps we need to rethink how our words come across and how, in aiming to lift up one group of women, we might actually be offending another.
Because I think a core issue behind it all is that I don’t hear these comments outside of the church. I only hear them when I’m at church and around other Christian women.
As Christians are we lifting up one group of women, only to tear down another?
“Use your professional woman prowess.”
Yours yet to hear that one on a Sunday,
Alison
