EPISODE 6: Abuse in the House of God
Disclaimer – this podcast does not contain any advice for mental health concerns. If you have mental health concerns contact your GP and seek their advice. Know that I am praying for your healing.
You’re listening to The Chaise Lounge Theologian, a podcast that looks at what the bible has to say about mental health. In this episode six, called ‘Abuse in the House of God’ I’ll be exploring the dark consequences of sin and will just scratch the surface a little on what the bible has to say about abuse and how Christians should respond to it. It’s not a happy episode but it’s a necessary one.
Picking up where I left off in the last episode, my core text is Genesis chapter 3, starting at verse 8. So I’ll start reading from there right now:
Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”
He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”
The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”
Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”
The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
Prior to Genesis 3, Adam and Eve are in perfect relationship with one another and with God. Now, all of a sudden after eating the fruit their relationship with God changes. God becomes dangerous and fear inducing. What do you do when there’s danger – fight or flight they used to say. These days it seems to be extended out to fight, flight, freeze, drop dead and roll over. At least that’s what it was a couple of years ago.
However, fight or flight – the body’s natural stress response to danger[1]. Adam and Eve have done the wrong thing. Do they fight? No, they run scared and so they should. For they have broken God’s rule. They have broken the rule of an all-powerful, creator God. If God could create them, well he could uncreate them just as easily. God is not to be messed with just because you feel like a piece of fruit.
So they run.
And then they blame everyone else. “The woman told me to do it.” “The snake told me to do it”. But God is not so easily fooled.
No Eve. You knew it was off limits but in your arrogance, you thought you were above that. You wanted to usurp and gain control. Don’t blame anybody else.
For unlike what the serpent said about eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, Adam and Eve discover that there are actually a number of consequences. I’m going to mix around the order and start with Eve first, considering that she was the one who initially ate the fruit and brought sin into the world.
But even before I get to the consequences, I’ll just pause to explore what I just said, because I’ve intriguingly heard amongst evangelicals a disagreement with what I think is clearly taught in the bible.
In Genesis 3 it is clear that Eve eats the fruit first and then gives it to Adam to eat – after she has first done so. Pulling out our biblical theology tool, we see that this is confirmed in the New Testament, where the apostle, applies the ramifications of this order of sin:
A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.
Probably because they don’t like the application that Paul is giving here about teaching and authority, I’ve heard people tell me that it was actually Adam who sinned first, which is a fascinating piece of reading comprehension when the text clearly states that ‘Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.’
I’ve had people tell me that Adam was the first to sin because when Eve was talking to the serpent Adam was there and he didn’t do anything. So his silence is the first sin.
Extraordinary.
There’s a number of things to say to that. First that we don’t know if the whole text in Genesis 3 is symbolic or not which is possible based on its context and genre as I discussed in the last episode. Yet, in both the Old Testament and New Testament – whatever the genre and whether in narrative or letter textual form – Eve is presented as the one who commits the original sin. I don’t think the biblical writers are getting confused. They mean exactly what they say.
Genesis 3 says that “He [the serpent] said to the woman” “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”. The Bible presents this as a dialogue between two individuals: Eve and the snake. It doesn’t say that the serpent said to both the woman and the man.
And yes, you could argue that Adam was there but silent. But there’s really nothing in the text to support that other than how you read verse 6. Genesis 3:6 says:
When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.
Two things to say about that:
First ‘With her’: Does that mean ‘with her’ standing right next to her? OR does it mean with her in the garden of Eden. Even if it does mean standing right next to her, there’s another question to ask:
When did Eve eat the fruit? When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it.
Yes, when? When was that? Was it the very next second after she spoke to the serpent? We don’t know. The text doesn’t say.
But I don’t think it was. Because that’s not how mind games and manipulation works. And Satan, the corporate psychopath plays his cards in that way.
When I was on one of my practicums training to be a high school teacher, I remember speaking with someone on staff at the school and somehow we got onto the topic of working with the ‘gifted and talented students’ as we referred to them then. And talking about working in a selective high school. And she mentioned how lots of people think that you don’t have any discipline problems working in a selective high school because they’re all smart kids. She said that was rubbish. She said that the smart students still misbehaved, they just did it in a different way. They weren’t so stupid as to make it blatantly obvious that they were doing wrong. And so you as the teacher, when you could sense that something was up, had to manage it differently. You had to play your own mind games.
‘You don’t say anything at first’, she told me, ‘You just watch. They’ll think you have no idea that something is going on, but you know. You’re just watching and waiting until you can work out who the one is stirring the pot and then getting themselves out of the way. Lay the trap for them to fall into. And when they do, it’s then that you pounce.’
Satan is stirring the pot here. He is planting the seed in Eve’s mind for her to start questioning whether God is really good or not. Did Eve’s percolating on that question happen in an instant? Happen overnight? We don’t know. The text doesn’t say.
But I doubt it.
And I really don’t think Adam and Eve were joined at the hip while they were working in Eden because that hardly sounds like paradise.
So, if I’ve not yet made it clear, I think that people who read Genesis chapter 3 as saying that Adam sinned first are attempting to remove what they see as misogyny from the text. But, for what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s a valid read of the text.
Now let me get to the consequences of sin now, because misogyny – and all the impacts on physical and mental health that that brings – is one of the results of sin coming into the world. And misogyny is a real problem and it will be a real problem for the rest of the time that this planet is in existence. God makes that clear in Genesis chapter 3:
To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labour you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
These are the consequences for Eve. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.
The marital relationship will now be fraught with danger. And the danger can work in either direction.
A woman will desire a man. What might that desire lead her to do? Well, a whole range of manipulative and evil behaviours.
And a man, well, a man will assert his rule and dominance, perhaps through brute force.
It’s reported that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 8 men since the age of 15 and over have experienced violence at the hands of an intimate partner or family member[2].
That means if you put 100 women in a room, 25 of them will have experienced domestic violence. If you put 100 men in a room, 12 or 13 of them will have experienced domestic violence.
And that’s only what gets reported.
The psychological toll of such trauma is obviously going to impact a person’s mental health and wellbeing, for a significant period of time and to an extreme level. Responses such as suicide, self-harm, anxiety and depressive disorders and alcohol use disorders[3] are just some of the mental illnesses and diseases that can result as a consequence of living through the nightmare of such violent treatment and abuse. And it is abuse and it is punishable by law.
And no one is above the law. No one. Satan originally said to Eve that there would be no consequences for sin. But it was a lie. Those who engage in abuse must think that there are no consequences for sin. But it’s a lie. Maybe it’s a part of our human condition after the fall that we are inclined to think that there are no consequences. That we are above the law. We can do whatever we like and then stand on our high horse and get away with it. Or think that we’ll never get caught in the first place.
At my school, every year we get in guest speakers for Years 9 and 10 to give them, basically, a bit of a freak out. Because shoplifting is the kind of criminal activity that teenagers are likely to engage in, when egged on by their friends. Kids will be kids. And they foolishly think that there’s no harm in grabbing a few things off the shelves of the grocery store, putting them in their school bag and nicking off out the door. But no. If you haven’t paid for it, it doesn’t belong to you. It’s not yours to take and if you get caught, it is criminal behaviour. Get a conviction and get a criminal record.
Now teenagers probably think that it’s just a bit of a laugh, no biggie, it’s not felony. But that’s where our guest speakers freak them out with the reality. It doesn’t matter what crime you commit. You can forget about the future and all those plans for your career that you’ve got. If you’re convicted, forget about your plans for ever being a doctor again. Or a teacher. Or working for any of the armed forces or emergency services.
‘Oh,’ says God in Genesis 3, ‘you thought there was no consequence for doing this, did you? Well, time to put your big boy or big girl pants back on and wake up and smell the coffee. Who do you think you are? You are not gods. Welcome to the real world, sweetie. This ain’t the garden of Eden anymore.’
And domestic abuse is far more damaging than petty theft.
Because it is taking what should be an intimate and safe relationship and turning it into a danger zone in which a person’s clear vulnerabilities are preyed upon. There is one who is asserting their dominance and there is another who is a victim.
And yes, it’s mostly women who are the victims, but not always. There are men who are victims as well.
In NSW The Coercive Control Act of 2022 identified the ways in which controlling behaviour can be used in close relationships. One such way this control can be exercised is through deliberately limiting the extent – whether the number or the depth – deliberately limiting the extent of relationships that a person has with others. Or alternatively, to block someone from being able to connect with another specific person. Or, even more barbarically, in locking someone away when they have committed no crime. Sadly this sort of trafficking of innocent people still occurs in our world today.
The world calls this abuse and bullying. The Bible also calls this demonic.
In all of these examples, to various extents, doing so has the aim of limiting the capacity the victim has for reaching out to others who can relationally support them and instead aims to force the victim into increasing dependence on the one who is seeking dominance over them. This is a barbaric and abusive reversal of the relational design of humanity which God set in play in Genesis chapters 1 and 2. Because it is such an abuse of the human design it is no surprise that this behaviour is punishable by law in the state of NSW.
And unfortunately, people who claim to be of the Christian faith can behave in this manner too, in the workplace or in the home.
When Narcissism comes to church: Healing your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse is a book written by Chuck DeGroat, Professor of Pastoral Care and Christian Spirituality at Western Theological Seminary in Michigan. He writes that he “became convinced that narcissism was not only a growing reality but a misdiagnosed one, especially in churches. Indeed, within churches, a narcissist might even be described as charismatic, gifted, confident, smart, strategic, agile, and compelling. He was selected to plant the church, to lead the ministry, to teach the class. He was quickly let off the hook when a spouse reported emotional abuse[4]” DeGroat explains.
This side of the fall, people are players. They know how to play the game. And the narcissist has got all the right answers. It’s too easy to be a compulsive liar and have everyone fooled when you can correctly quote a chapter and verse from the Bible. It doesn’t matter what’s really happening behind the curtain when on stage you’ve got your lines sorted.
If they’ve been involved in the church business for long enough, spent a bit of time at bible college, worked for a Christian organisation or been a missionary kid they know exactly the right things to say.
No one believes you when you tell them otherwise. I know.
In his book, DeGroat explores the nine faces of narcissism. Type Nine, the wallflower is an interesting one and I raise because as DeGroat says, it might be a stretch for some people to think that this personality type, the wallflower, is a narcissist. However, he shows that this personality type has the Gaslighting Switch firmly in the ON space, 24/7.
DeGroat’s detailed description of the Wallflower narcissist includes the following:
“Though outwardly displaying a clam demeanour, this person conceals an underbelly of anger, a simmering resentment that does not emerge as the challenger’s power or the perfectionist’s critique but as a quiet judgmentalism. They secretly long for love and admiration, in the absence of which they may become self-pitying and judgemental. Cut off from their own emotions and primary needs, they can be relationally cold, alienating those closest to them. Under stress, they can become paranoid and anxious, inaccessible to loved ones and friends. Disconnected from their deepest selves, they avoid responsibility, projecting blame onto those closest to them…
“What’s ironic about this” DeGroat continues, “is that while the Enneagram Nine exhibits the least amount of overt power, she has a quietly covert and subtle power that can affect others. Those in her orbit may experience her judgment, her rage, her disappointment. They may feel confused, never quite knowing how she is feeling but getting a very direct vibe from her demeanour. Some will feel like they are walking on eggshells, while others will sense that she is making them pay simply by remaining cold and obstinate. Effective at cutting off her own feelings, she may deny others love, empathy and intimacy. This subtle, manipulative power is far more potent than it appears…However, because her typical demeanour is pleasant, she can play the victim, pointing the finger at others with the firm belief that she’d never quite have the power to inflict the damage they contend she has inflicted. For this reason, this face of narcissism may be the hardest to read[5].”
Amen to that. The Wallflower Narcissist is a potent force, perhaps all the more so for her hiding in the shadows and playing the victim card. As DeGroat says being around her is like walking on eggshells. One moment all was fine and then oh dear golly Vesuvius just exploded once again for no apparent reason. There are sadly people like that in our homes and in our churches. What a service Chuck DeGroat is providing the church by identifying these poisonous behaviours.
So what then shall we do with all of this?
The consequences of the fall have had a significant impact on humanity’s mental health and wellbeing and will continue to do so as long as we live in a world now impacted by sin.
Instead of the intimate and open and mutually supportive relationship that Adam and Eve had before the fall of mankind, now our domestic relationships see men behaving violently towards women. Women behaving violently towards men. Family members denying rights to other family members. Manipulation of the vulnerable. Parent against child; child against parent. Spouse against spouse. This is not how God designed the world to be, but through sin this is how it has become.
A living nightmare for many. A constant sense of fear and anxiety. A continual need to judge what is the best way to manage their oppression: fight or flight, freeze, drop dead or roll over? The constant question of should I stay or should I go?
This is not life as God intended it. Jesus said, “I have come that you might have life and have it to the full.” This is not the fullness of life that the Bible presents to us.
Given such circumstances of abuse, what should we do? See a psychologist. That’s what we might need to do. Or a counsellor or another mental health professional. The church has been too slow in the past to suggest to people – perhaps even allow them – to attend a psychologist to get the help and the healing that God wants to bless their life with – he really does! If talk therapy or CBT or family systems therapy or anything is needed to help people regain a sense of their dignity and worth as someone made in the image of God or to unlearn bad habits and relearn positive and healthy behaviours, then it is oppression all over again to stop someone from doing so; to stop them from getting help and healing. Some Christians may only ever be comfortable with various forms of ‘biblical counselling’. Fine. No worries. But get something!
When Jesus went to the pool of Bethesda
There was a certain man there who had suffered with a deep-seated and lingering disorder for thirty-eight years.When Jesus noticed him lying there [helpless], knowing that he had already been a long time in that condition, He said to him, Do you want to become well? [Are you really in earnest about getting well?]
Then Jesus healed him. Jesus wanted this man to be free of his disorder. Jesus wants you to be free of your disorder too – physical, mental or otherwise. If that means you need to see a psychologist, see a psychologist. If that means someone needs to see their GP or a psychiatrist because there are chemical imbalances in their brain for which they need medication, then go, get the medication you need. Sometimes talk therapy alongside medical intervention is what’s needed. Praise the Lord that such assistance is available to us in our times.
Because God has a lot of time for the vulnerable.
The sad fact that needs to be acknowledged is that our human design can be abused by others. If relationship is part of God’s good design, then those with evil intent will seek to muddy God’s good design and this happens in domestic relationships.
In the New Testament letters, in the context of the early church being established, the disciple, Peter wrote this in a letter, to explain how a Christian marriage should operate. He wrote this:
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
For some reason, people seem to get their knickers in a knot over these verses and claim that it’s making out that women are physically weaker than men, by which they completely miss the point.
The point is about vulnerability. Most but not all men are physically stronger than many women. The Bible here is saying do NOT take advantage of a woman when she is physically weaker than you. It’s the anti-domestic violence verse.
And the reverse is true. There are some women who are physically stronger than men. There are some women who physically domineer over men and take advantage of them. That is also domestic violence.
It doesn’t matter whether it is a man or a woman, anyone taking advantage of any other person’s vulnerabilities – physical, emotional, mental or spiritual is engaging in abuse.
God’s word says, “Don’t do it.” Don’t be complete and utter trash and treat someone else as though they are the same. Because if you try to take advantage of someone, you think that you own them.
We own pets. Not people. People are not possessions to be owned, used or abused. People are not animals. They are above the animals for they are made in the image of God. Abusers have forgotten that their victims are made in the image of God and they have thrown off their qualities reflecting the image of God – not least, the fruit of the Spirit, self-control. An abuser has thrown of their reflection of the deity. They have taken advantage of the vulnerable and have themselves become an animal.
A piece of trash. An animal. That’s what God thinks of those that abuse others.
But well, you might say, there’s all those verses about women submitting. Aren’t we just asking for women to experience abuse and end up in therapy?
Here’s a story from the Old Testament about a woman called Ruth[6], who did submit, who did make herself vulnerable and who met a man who didn’t take advantage of her at all.
I’m going to tell it in first person, because I think it’ll be more helpful. Here’s the story of Ruth:
I used to live in another land, but now I live as a stranger in a strange land. I didn’t know many people and not many people knew me. I didn’t know what to do. I was confused because I was starting all over again, as an unknown nobody. I went to work in the fields to try to just get the scraps of the harvest. I met a man called Boaz. He could have told me to go away, to get out of his fields, but he didn’t. Instead he was warm and friendly and hospitable. He paid attention to me, when he didn’t have to. Someone else might have harmed me, but he didn’t. I made myself completely vulnerable with him. One night, I went and lay at his feet to tell him I needed rescuing. When he saw me, he was shocked. He could have been angry. He could have hit me. But he didn’t. I felt safe with him. I was safe with him. I went to tell him I needed rescuing and I knew that he would know what to do. He realised that there was another man in line to rescue me, which there was, but I knew that he couldn’t rescue me the way Boaz could. I couldn’t be vulnerable with him the way I could with Boaz, who I knew would care for me better than anyone else. So Boaz did everything he needed to do to make sure he was the one who rescued me. And then he did. I was completely vulnerable with him and he was completely safe and dependable.
Boaz is the exemplar response. Boaz shows that it is possible for a woman to make herself vulnerable in submission and not be in danger. Not be in any need for fear.
But what about those who haven’t got that experience? What about those experiencing abuse? Do we just get some talk therapy happening and be done with it?
No. We do what God does when people break a law. What is God’s Response in Genesis chapter 3? God turns the Garden of Eden into a courtroom.
In God’s courtroom in Eden everyone – man, woman and snake – all receive consequences. For the man and woman who broke the law, there is a verdict, conviction and consequence handed out. For the snake, clearly aiding and abetting, it is also convicted of crime and given a consequence. Because that’s how the law works.
The church has historically been too slow to remember that the police exist for a reason. And historically, too slow to encourage people to take incidences of abuse, where laws have been broken, and hand them over to the police. But this is what we should do. Because abusers are players who wear masks. Abusers are cunning and crafty, like snakes. And we should do as God does with snakes: don’t give them a leg to stand on. Take the abusers out of the equation because if you don’t, they’ll just keep being snakes. And all snakes ever do is ruin paradise – and sometimes, when you least expect it.
How do we deal with this hypocrisy and oppression when it is happening in our church?
We do what God did in the Old Testament, in the book of Malachi, when his people turned their backs on him and broke his laws, in the Ten Commandments.
God set up a courtroom and put his people on trial saying:
“So I will come to put you on trial. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud labourers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive the foreigners among you of justice, but do not fear me,” says the Lord Almighty.
“I the Lord do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. Ever since the time of your ancestors you have turned away from my decrees and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you,” says the Lord Almighty.
God’s people had broken the law. They needed to go to court, no two ways about it.
But there were two ways they could live after it.
They could continue in sin. Or they could stop sinning and return to living life God’s way.
But how can that happen, when they, when I, you, we all have broken God’s laws?
What did God do? He set up another courtroom and put himself on trial.
It was a sham trial, because God in the form of Jesus had done no wrong.
“He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.”
When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” For “you were like sheep going astray,” but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls[7].
That person that was abused, they are so valuable and precious that Jesus came to earth to die for them. So that they might be glorified with him.
A victim is not the Messiah but if they are a believer, their suffering will, ultimately, result in their glory. Their abuse was not only barbaric and bewildering and terrifying, even though it was all those things. It was also a time when they “filled up in [their] flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church[8].” So we thank them for their service.
For Christ did not take advantage of his position, but he humbled himself to that of a servant and a sacrifice. This led to his glory, which cannot be taken from him ever again. And he modelled for us to go and do the same. Not as sadists. But as ones who trust in him. And so on the other side of their suffering, they will be glorified. And lifted, lifted up high.
So, what can I conclude from all that I have discussed? Life is not easy this side of the fall. People lie. People abuse. People take advantage of others. And this rips people apart.
For these reasons we need to seek out mental health professionals and their advice and support. We need to have trusted friends we can share with about the abuse we have experienced. And when laws have been broken, we need to go to the police. Otherwise we’ll just end up being abused again.
Then find the people who love you and let them help you heal and find yourself again. Because you are more precious to them than you think and more loved than you know. And I pray that the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
We live in a very messy, messed up world because of sin. But God wants us to be well. Sometimes this means we have to take drastic action. But this drastic action is in line with God’s word and the ways in which he has operated in the past and still operates today.
God is the best person to go to for advice when navigating such murky waters. For he loves you, more than you can imagine. No one cares for you like Jesus cares for you. Your abuse, your suffering, is precious in his eyes. And it is not dismissed. It is not forgotten. And what God wants to do, is to pick you up and carry you home in his arms.
So, until next time, keep looking up – to God.
Podcast Backing Track: “Pure” by Matt Wigdon. Licence purchased from Soundstripe
[1] https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-fight-or-flight-response-2795194
[2] This statistics is on the ‘Love is not Abusive’ posters at Sydney Missionary and Bible College.
[3] https://www.aihw.gov.au/family-domestic-and-sexual-violence/resources/fdsv-summary#consequences
[4] Chuck, DeGroat, When Narcissism Comes to Church: healing your community from emotional and spiritual abuse, (Downers Grove: IVP, 2020), p.6.
[5] Chuck, DeGroat, When Narcissism Comes to Church: healing your community from emotional and spiritual abuse, (Downers Grove: IVP, 2020), pp.61-62.
[6] This podcast was written whilst completing an intensive week of study at Sydney Missionary and Bible College. This idea comes from Kirk Patston. Other ideas discussed in class by both lecturers and students alike may be reflected in this podcast. Here in this footnote is my acknowledgement and thanks.
[7] 1 Peter 2:22-25
[8] Colossians 1:24